“When we really, deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and third alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress. Instead, they become the stepping stones to synergy.” Stephen Covey
Living 20 minutes from Baltimore and working with clients in the city, I was, like so many across the country, shocked and saddened by the events of the last few weeks.
Having studied the Enneagram for over 20 years and worked with individuals to resolve differences of opinions, misconceptions and judgments, I know how challenging it is to ask another person to listen and seek to understand another person’s perspective. Yet I have been amazed, time and time again, of the power of this practice. It is exactly what Covey says in the quote above – that when we deeply listen and understand another, creative solutions and third alternatives arise. But it isn’t always easy, nor fast or comfortable.
I’ve found that when conflict or disagreements arise, I first have to go inside myself and get clarity about my part in the conflict. What is going on inside of me that is reacting and what is that reaction about? How am I seeing the situation? What story have I created around the situation? What judgments and assumptions have I made about the situation and the person? What am I feeling about the situation or the person? What is it that I want to happen and sometimes, what is it that I need say or do or not do?
This helps me get clear about what’s going on for me and I really have to watch that I don’t project what I think is going on for the other person. The next step is to get together with the other person and seek to understand the other person’s perspective. Now this only works if both parties do the inner inquiry first. But when the other person does, our conversation can be that much more productive, even lead to the synergy that Covey describes.
Facing into conflict is not natural for me. I’ve had to learn to be “okay” with and deal with conflict and disagreements. I know I’m not alone because many people I work with say the same thing. What I’ve learned is that if I don’t deal with it head on and in a timely manner, it actually gets bigger and harder to fix and I lose a lot of sleep over it!
I do hope and pray that a “third alternative” can arise for Baltimore but in the meantime, let’s start in our own backyards. How do you handle and deal with conflict and disagreement in your life? Don’t waste time letting it build into a full-out riot, rather, go inside, be honest with yourself, reach out and seek to understand the other. It’s changed my life. I know it can yours!
